LUCY FOR PRESIDENT!
Oops, sorry, getting ahead of myself here.
I haven’t been watching The Bachelor / The Bachelorette for very long, but I’m pretty sure this is the most nudity the show has ever seen. But, like I said, getting ahead of myself.
The show begins with Juan Pabs showing up with his sexy self to pick up Claire for their “chill” date. So, naturally, every single other woman came out to the driveway to wish them a good time and wave them on their merry way! Totally normal to wish the best when your sexy South American is on a date with another woman.
They arrive to a literal winter wonderland, and Juan Pabs hoists Claire onto his back to trek across the snow. Across the nation sighs were heard from every breathing woman possible. During the entirety of the date, the most interesting thing that happens is that it starts snowing – IN THE MIDDLE OF LOS ANGELES. IT’S MAGIC. Not the fact that Juan Pabs and Claire are attempting to ice skate (because honestly, Claire is total crap).
They move to the hot tub, and Claire notes to the cameras, “I’m watching this amazing boy slither into the spa,” and I just want to point out the obvious fact that JUAN PABS IS NOT A SNAKE CLAIRE, he’s a sexy South American!
Claire wants to open up about her deceased father. She explains how after her dad died, she “turned ice queen,” … appropriate date location then, no? And then it’s almost like they’ve been dating for months, because they start making out all over the place, like a couple of teenagers who were left alone at the “movies.”
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Lucy is essentially running everything. She shows up to hot tub without a bikini top, and hilariously laughs it off as she tells the other girls that she somehow forgot all of her swimsuit tops. “I feel like I do well in a group setting,” she tells the camera. Yes, it seems you do, Luce. She’s weirdly growing on me – her odd antics are kinda endearing.
The dog quickly entered my top 5 contestants as he carried the magical envelope of who would go on the next one-on-one to the ladies-in-waiting, and the lucky gal is Kat. When Juan Pabs comes to pick her up, she stands to reveal probably the shortest shorts I have ever seen in my life. I mean, impressive – she can rock them – but still, tiny, like they are children’s shorts.
Juan Pabs literally jets Kat away in a private plane, and it only takes a few minutes before she shares that she is already “having visions of jetsetting with my Latin lover.”
And this is why most relationships after The Bachelor / Bachelorette don’t work out. IT’S NOT REAL LIFE PEOPLE.
Either way. Juan Pabs dons himself in rave-looking clothing, and Kat soon follows. Dance party?! Nah, 5k run at night! Which would be probably a blast, but just seems a little funny since the other one-on-one date was so romantic and snowy. But it’s not all run and no play; Juan and Kat take frequent booty-poppin’ breaks.
After they finish the race, they bring their grinding hips up to the stage, and Kat woos a rose out of Juan Pabs with hips that Shakira would be jealous of.
Then… it’s group date time! The 15 girls meet Juan Pabs at a studio, where they are greeted by a man with a blue beard and PUPPIES. YUP. We are introduced to the company Models & Mutts, and I decide pretty quickly that this is my next big career move.
The girls must don different outfits and then pose with the dogs, in order to raise awareness of the pups and to hopefully get them adopted. Some girls receive bikinis, others fancy dresses… while Lucy, the regular nudist, gets a full-on fire hydrant costume, and Elise, the adorable first grade teacher, is given a sign. Only a sign.
She soon works her magic with Luce, and gets the girl to trade costumes with her. Which, let’s be honest, Lucy definitely preferred. She only continues to grow on me, and while she is borderline looney, she’s a good friend. Cue the scene with Lucy walking a dog nude on the sidewalk. And let’s give some cred to Elise for respecting herself and trying to maintain a positive image and role model.
Meanwhile, Kelly (whose profession is “dog lover”) is airbrushed to look like a dog, but ends up looking like a giraffe. Maybe it’s because of her long neck? And Renee, our favorite single mother, gets up close and classy with Juan, for a red carpet themed shoot. Ay carumba!
Andi, one of the other unlucky ladies to receive a sign for clothing, has been struggling with the decision on whether or not to do it. And either Juan Pabs is psychic or just an incredibly perfect man, but he comes to find her and not only consoles her, but says that HE WILL GET NAKED WITH HER. UM HELLO.
The ladies get rinsed off and they are whisked off to a rooftop soiree with a pool! Jealous. Juan Pabs speaks with Cassandra, and she lets him know that she, too, has a child – a son. And I’m pretty sure that this is the first time we have ever heard of her having a child. SHE’S ONLY 21. #barelylegal
Renee attempts some flirting and seducing of Juan, and while she’s pretty good at it, Juan Pabs doesn’t go for it and doesn’t kiss her. Sad day.
And finally, just when it seems like The Bachelor is about to wrap up the most boring and long-winded episodes ever, we finally get some of that drama that we selfishly watch the show for.
Victoria is drunk. Even though she attempts to tell the others that she hasn’t even had a glass of champagne… “I’m just fun sober.” Maybe we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
“If Juan Pablo were mine, I would straddle him every day. Because that’s what life is about, straddling things.” Maybe not.
“Juan Pablo is my boyfriend. I gave him the hymen maneuver.” Definitely not. What starts as an entertaining and happy drunk turns into a locked-bathroom-stall, angry drunk. The next thing the producers know, is Victoria is attempting to escort herself off of the premises… shoeless. “You can’t go home without shoes,” shares one wise producer, as he guides her back to the party.
The other girls are actually freaked out by Victoria. Either they’re kinda sheltered, or just overreacting, because let’s be honest… we’ve all been to college, we’ve seen worse. Mama Renee soon comes to the rescue by crawling under the bathroom door to Victoria – her efforts prove fruitless, though, and she soon retreats.
FINALLY one of the girls decides it’s time to tell Juan about the ticking time bomb in the bathroom… and it’s Lucy? But seriously. How does that happen? The only girl with enough guts and maturity to bring light to the situation is the one that was walking around nude mere hours earlier?
Juan Pabs proves to be the incredibly classy man that he is by attempting to speak with Victoria, but she’s too far gone at this point. He returns to the ladies, presents the rose to the Dog Lover, Kelly, and then asks if they can make sure Victoria can stay alive until he comes back tomorrow to chat with her. Every woman proceeds to melt into the couch because he is juan-derful.
When Juan and Victoria finally talk, her apology goes something like this, “So I guess I should apologize for getting aboard the crazy train.” What a sweetheart, right? But Juan sees through her crap and sends her home. Collective cheers are heard around the world!
The cocktail party arrives, and Juan begins with Amy, a local news reporter, who lives up to her profession. She launches into a full-fledged interview that sounded great on television, but was probably super-awkward in real life.
She is followed by Sharleen, who I’m pretty sure I could never hear about again and be happy for the rest of my life. I will forever call her First Impression Girl, but she doesn’t even deserve the title. Plus, she has minimal facial expressions, and DIDN’T swoon when Juan presented her with the first rose. Naturally, I hate her.
Cassandra starts to fall apart, and Mama Renee snaps back into action, taking her off to the side to address her concerns and clean up the boo-boos. After a teary session of, “Why am I here?!” Juan shows up and essentially says that he’s into her, but in a sexy accent.
The rose ceremony begins, and Amy (the adorable reporter) and Chantal are eliminated. So who does that leave? Nikki, Cassandra, Elise, Andie, Renee, Sharleen (barf), Chelsie, Danielle, Kelly, Kat, Claire, Allison, Lauren, Christy, and my new favorite, Lucy! You get it gurl.
Til next Monday!